Many times in a romantic relationship, the lines between being in love and being attached can become blurred. Many people believe that they are in love with a person without questioning whether or not they are truly in love or just attached. Attachment can be when an individual depends on or relies on a relationship to aid in comforting feelings of low self-esteem and self worth. Individuals with low self esteem are at risk of developing an unhealthy attachment in their relationships. Attachment can be manifested in many different styles. We will be taking a look at the different kinds of attachment that may keep an individual from experiencing true love in their relationship.

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            The first attachment style is Preoccupied attachment. According to research, people who have preoccupied attachment are concerned about their partner’s emotional investment in them. They usually “desire to be completely emotionally intimate with others yet worry that their partners will not want to be as close to them as they would like” (Collins & Read, 1990; Feeney & Noller, 1990; Simpson, Rholes, & Nelligan, 1992). Most people with preoccupied attachment depend on others for personal validation and acceptance. This is an unhealthy dependence that will leave a person feeling anxious and emotionally unstable.

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            The second kind of attachment is Fearful attachment. People with fearful attachment crave a personal and intimate connection with others but do not believe that they are deserving of one. They believe that they are “unlovable and unworthy and that others are generally uncaring and rejecting” (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991). Just like preoccupied attachment, those with fearful attachment also base their self-esteem on external approval and are extremely sensitive to others' opinions.

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            The third type of attachment is Dismissing attachment. This kind of attachment is unlike the previous two but just as unhealthy. Those with dismissing attachment are extremely independent and do not maintain, or attempt, to build close relationships. They feel uneasy about personal and intimate relationships and “regulate attachment distress by mistrusting others” (Feeney & Noller, 1990). Their inability to form close relationships keeps them from experiencing any form of intimacy. Additionally, it may result in the inability to maintain any long term relationships.

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            Each type of attachment is harmful and places a strain on any relationship. Being able to identify the difference between love and attachment is not only important for your relationships, but also for your own personal growth. Defining your own self worth, instead of basing it off others, is the first step in correcting any harmful habits that may be keeping you from experiencing love.

 

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References

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of                       Personality and Social Psychology, 61, 226-244.

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Collins, N. L., & Read, S. J. (1990). Adult attachment, working mod- els, and relationship quality in dating couples. Journal of Personality     and Social Psychology, 58, 644-663.

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Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psy-          chology, 58, 281-291.

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Simpson, J. A., Rholes, W. S., & Nelligan, J. S. (1992). Support-seeking and support-giving within couple members in an anxiety-                     provoking situation: The role of attachment styles. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62, 434-446.