OUR PURPOSE
Learn more about the concept behind our project and
discover why learning about attachment may help you improve your life.
UPADANA
Upadana is the Sanskrit and Pali word for “clinging”, “attachment” or “grasping.” This word is used to describe suffering and pain in the dukka doctrine of Buddhism.
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As human beings, we often attach, grasp, and cling on one hand, or avert and hate on the other hand. Not only that, we often remain in an ignorant piece of mind, rather than an enlightened peace of mind (O’Brien).
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Together, these three issues – ignorance, clinging and aversion – are known in Buddhism as the Three Poisons. One must realize that non-attachment is an antidote to these poisons. If attachment is a condition of finding life unsatisfactory, it makes sense that non-attachment is a condition correlated to satisfaction with life-- a condition of nirvana.
To live in non-attachment essentially means that one recognizes there is nothing to attach to in the first place; everyone is interconnected in consciousness. According to Buddhism, we are all ultimately one.Once one realizes this Truth, one will truly feel true joyfulness (O’ Brien).
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THE BIRD
The logo we chose for this project is a bird. Through our research, we realized that relationships are like holding a bird.
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If you are tightly clinging to a relationship -- a sign of insecure attachment -- you are crushing the bird within your hand. In the end, you are going to end up killing something beautiful.
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If you are not putting any effort into a relationship -- another sign of insecure attachment -- you are holding the bird with an open palm, while distracting yourself with other things, ultimately letting the bird fly away to find another hand to nest into.
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If you are nurturing your relationship in a healthy way, without suffocating attachment or lack of effort -- secure attachment -- you are holding the bird with love and care so that it stays in your hand comfortably.
THE CONCERN
The idea that insecure attachment is not healthy in any form of relationship seems to be widely understood, yet research has found that many people unknowingly have insecure attachment styles.
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In a study conducted by Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan, it was discovered that approximately 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style, while 20 percent have an avoidant attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment, concluding that 40% of people within their 620 people sample have unhealthy attachment styles. This number is quite hefty and rather concerning.
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In order to see if these numbers proved to be as high in the society immediately surrounding us, our group decided to conduct our own research. We sent surveys out to a variety of college students ranging between 18 to 22 years of age. Our findings concluded that approximately 80% of students believed that they had a secure attachment style to their partners. Nonetheless, when given a series of statements meant to identify attachment styles (such as "I feel incomplete without my partner" and "I love myself") almost all participants showed signs of insecure attachment.
At the end of the survey, participants were asked how they viewed their relationship with the partner they'd just answered the questions about. Almost all of the participants chose the word 'romantic.' This should be of concern to many people because participants had just labeled an insecure attachment style as romantic. This brings up a good question: do Westerners unknowingly romanticize insecure attachment?
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There are questions you can ask yourself to help you determine your style of attachment and how it is affecting your relationships.
THE HYPOTHESIS
Why do we believe that Westerners unknowingly romanticize insecure attachment? Two reasons: child development and adult influences.
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In a study of 14,000 U.S. children, 40 percent lack strong emotional bonds with their parents that are crucial to success later in life ("Four in 10 infants lack strong parental attachment"). The researchers behind this study found that these 40 percent of children are more likely to face educational and behavioral problems.
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…”When helpless infants learn early that their cries will be responded to, they also learn that their needs will be met, and they are likely to form a secure attachment to their parents. However, when caregivers are overwhelmed because of their own difficulties, infants are more likely to learn that the world is not a safe place — leading them to become needy, frustrated, withdrawn or disorganized.”
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-Susan Campbell, professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh
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According to Bruce Atkinson, a clinical psychologist, romanticism of insecure attachment stems from the modern creators of cultural idols and ideals – especially Hollywood and televisions. From the "damsel-in-distress" trope to Romeo and Juliet, these forms of media have brainwashed us into believing certain things about love and have conditioned us to believe that toxic ways of loving are romantic. In fact, the whole “love at first sight” present in many romance films is a contradiction because it is a combination of lust and disillusion. In fact, many people find themselves mistaking their obsession, dependency, possessiveness, idealization, desire of control, pity, and lust -- all for love. People expect their beloved to meet certain needs to make them happy and expect their beloved to not only be their best friend, but their lover, their confidant, their cornerstone, their guardian angel. These ideas that one's beloved must fulfill a laundry-list of roles, or must "complete you" or must fill a void in your life, are all forms of insecure attachment.
In western culture it is not unusual for a person to be in love with the idea of love because we are conditioned to put romantic love on a superhuman pedestal. Nonetheless, when our love lives do not play out as we view in the movies, we are left feeling disillusioned and disappointed. We sometimes, out of deep insecurity and personal needs, seek out another person to make up for what we lack in ourselves. Thinking that you need someone can lead you to pursue another person who you then put in charge of your happiness. This becomes an issue when your partner has a secure attachment and now finds themselves strained to take care of their partner. This also is difficult if the other partner is looking for someone to put in charge of their own happiness; this combination of two "partial" people, both looking for happiness created by another, makes for a relationship that is particularly unhealthy.
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Insecure attachment styles should not be something anyone gets comfortable with, but rather they should work to form a healthier, more complete relationship with themselves, and consequently, with their partner. This all begins by acknowledging where an individual is starting from, which, as we found during our research, is a place of insecure attachment that one may be unaware of exists.
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Reference
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Adkinson, Bruce. “IT'S NOT REALLY LOVE: Western Culture's Misunderstanding of Romantic Attachment.” Virtue Online, Virture Online, 17 Oct. 2015
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Princeton University, Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs. "Four in 10 infants lack strong parental attachments." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 27 March 2014. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/03/140327123540.htm>.
