Loss is a common experience in the lives of everyone; so is the idea of attachment to those that we lose. As humans, we have been conditioned to be attached, as a means of support and survival, so it can be quite painful when someone we love passes on from our lives. 

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   L. Gordon Brewer Jr., a LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist), discusses how our form of attachment comes from birth, as newborns attach to their mother to get nutrients and for overall survival. He further explains that, as babies grow older, they become “autonomous and independent.” Despite the independence that becomes of a person though, he states that there is still an inherent form of attachment when in face of dire situations.

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   Brewer explains that, no matter how much we grow, “we carry this innate desire to attach with us all through life.” It is natural for humans to have a form of attachment as he sees that it is the basis of what allows us to create and maintain relationships. This attachment even comes when dealing with the loss of a loved one.

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   “To experience the death of a loved one a person is absolutely faced with the pain and struggle of detaching from that person...It is by far the most painful of human emotions.” Brewer ties in the feeling of grief to the idea of attachment. Though difficult to overcome, it is possible to learn to detach from a lost loved one and learn to move on. Brewer gives five tips on how to best handle detaching from someone who has passed. The first one would be to allow the process of grief to run its course naturally and remind the grieving person that it is normal to grieve. He also advises communication, as creating a conversation and allowing the grieving person to speak and share their feelings or stories of their memories of those who have passed.

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   From there on, Brewer encourages memorialization. He believes that it is productive to provide a ceremony of sorts to commemorate the life of the deceased, to help the grieving person continue through the process of detaching. The next tip he gives is to help the person create a healthy attachment to something new. As he describes, “When someone dies, there is a gap that is created in people’s lives.” Given that there is no way to replace someone who is special to them, he sees that it is important and healthy that they move their “emotional energy [towards] other people and other things." The final tip that Brewer gives is to assist in what he calls “reoccurring grief.” As the process of detaching and moving on can be a life-long journey, it is important to be there when the grief comes back. 

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   The art of letting go and detaching from someone, especially someone that has passed on from this life, can sometimes seem impossible, but it is something that each person must go through. Though detaching can be a life-long process, it can be an elevating experience that can create a better understanding of love, loss, and attachment.

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Reference

Brewer Jr., L. Gordon. “Grief and Loss: An Attachment Perspectvie.” The Practice of Therapy, The Practice of Therapy, 28 Apr. 2016,             practiceoftherapy.com/grief-loss-attachment-perspective/.